You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
