The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
