Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
