I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
