I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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