i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
