The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
My feet surprised me
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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