I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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