The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
