I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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