I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
