my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
