Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
