can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I need to sanitize my soul.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
