last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
