so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
