Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
