i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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