my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize