I'm gonna have a badass scar
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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