I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
