Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
