No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
