I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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