The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
