a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
