I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
