you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
