Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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