I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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