I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
