Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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