I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
