theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
