I can't breathe out the right side of my face
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
honey bunches of taint.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
