Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
