i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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