I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
