Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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