I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
