first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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