How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
