the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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