My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
