i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
