If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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