I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
