I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
