It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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