It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
