Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
