Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
