Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
