So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
