i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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