I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
