I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
