I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
