Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
