when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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