the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
