dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
