I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
