Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
