i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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