Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
